If an alien were shown the typical first sentences of work emails, what might it conclude? Since so many messages start with the hope that the recipient is well, an extraterrestrial might at first assume that most humans are either recovering from illness or about to take to their sickbeds.
But even if it were to realise that this was largely a matter of etiquette, it would miss the nuances of each opening gambit. Until now.
Let's dissect the most common email opening lines and uncover their true meanings.
I hope you are well
Ostensible meaning: I hope you are well. Actual meaning: None. It's just throat-clearing. Do not write back and give the other person a bulletin on your health.
I hope this email finds you well
Ostensible meaning: I hope you are well. Actual meaning: I have not been in touch for a while and am not even sure you are in the same job. Plus I have a vague idea that this formulation makes me sound professional.
Hope all well
Ostensible meaning: I hope you are well. Actual meaning: We both know this sentence is totally formulaic, so I'm cutting it down to the bare minimum.
Nice to e-meet you
Ostensible meaning: We've just been introduced by a third party and I'm pleased to make your acquaintance. Actual meaning: No email can substitute for an in-person encounter.
Nice to "meet" you
Ostensible meaning: We've just been introduced by a third party and I'm pleased to make your acquaintance. Actual meaning: I'm an appalling pedant.
I hope you had a good weekend
Ostensible meaning: We're both well-rounded individuals with fulfilling lives outside work. Actual meaning: It's Monday morning and I cannot be bothered to write "I hope you are well" for the billionth time.
I hope your week is off to a good start
Ostensible meaning: We're both well-rounded individuals with fulfilling lives outside work. Actual meaning: It's Monday afternoon.
I hope your week is going well
Ostensible meaning: We're both well-rounded individuals with fulfilling lives outside work. Actual meaning: It's now Tuesday, Wednesday or Thursday.
I hope you have had a great week
Ostensible meaning: We're both well-rounded individuals with fulfilling lives outside work. Actual meaning: Guess what? It's Friday.
I hope you're having a great weekend
Ostensible meaning: We're both well-rounded individuals with fulfilling lives outside work. Actual meaning: See above, but I have no sense of work-life boundaries.
I hope this email isn't interrupting anything urgent
Ostensible meaning: I am respectful of your time. Actual meaning: I have no idea how email works.
Apologies for sending you an out-of-the-blue email
Ostensible meaning: This may look an awful lot like spam but is actually a message from a real person who appreciates how busy you are. Actual meaning: This may look an awful lot like a message from a real person who values your time but it's still spam.
I'm going to spare you the preamble and cut to the chase
Ostensible meaning: You're busy, I'm busy. Let's behave like the professionals we are and get right down to business. Actual meaning: The expectations of a meaningless first sentence are so deeply embedded that I am going to spend as much time skipping the pleasantries as the pleasantries would have taken.
Some emails do genuinely avoid the throat-clearing, and plunge straight in. There are several explanations for this. One is that the correspondents involved are in close contact: they know that the other person is well. Another is that the sender has worked out that the typical first sentence really is unnecessary. Another is that the writer dislikes the recipient but knows that putting "I hope you are unwell" would be taking things too far.
Which is it? Even humans struggle to work that one out. Step inside the world of work with our Bartleby newsletter. Each week our white-collar oracle muses on the agonies of office life.
